My One And Only Thrill
by MochaInTheSun
Summary: She was his muse, the Edie Sedgwick to his Andy Warhol.He wanted nothing more than her, his amour, his wild child, his heart, his Rachel. But he was too much of a coward to give up the life he hated for her, and too much of a selfish bastard to give up her. AU Finchel
1. My One And Only Thrill

_i)_

His fingers traced her every outline.

He painted her in his mind, trying to memorize as much of her as he could. From the way her chest rose and fell when she breathed, to the way her incredibly soft and beautiful brown hair fell perfectly around her bare shoulder as she slept. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but the truth was, he had never seen so much beauty and felt so much loved around anything or anyone as when he was with her. She was his muse, the Edie Sedgwick to his Andy Warhol, the life beneath his every painting or photo, the fresh air that brought him back to life. Yes, he had become hungered for her, he realized that while laying with her for the first time and right now, after so many times, the feeling was still the same.

"Since when did you become such a creep,huh? Watching me sleep, naked?"

She opened her eyes and looked at him, a look that made his heart swell every time.

He doesn't answer, just smiled and kissed her forehead, ever so lightly.

"You're so beautiful, Rachel."

She sat up and walked to the window. The rain was still pouring outside, the sound of raindrops patting on the window pane was getting louder and the shimmering light from outside made the drops on the glass sparkle. Yet nothing, nothing was as magical and enchanting as Rachel was, right then, looking at the boulevard from her apartment, with a blanket around her waist, he thought as he watched her every small movement.

Finn followed her, put his arms around her from behind, and planted a soft yet filled with passion on her neck.

"What is it, baby? What are you thinking about?"

"What time do you have to get back to her place?"-Rachel asked, without turning around to face him.

"Baby…"-Finn sighed, ran his hand along her side, he tilted her head a little bit to gain more access to her neck, his nose filled with her sweet scent, something reminded him of the rain and a garden with freesias.

"What time, Finn?"

This time she turned around, put her hand over his mouth. Finn couldn't resist kissing her hand, but stopped when he noticed her eyes. Her oh so beautiful brown eyes were boring right through him with a look that he couldn't explain.

Silence.

"Rachel…"

"Don't say anything. I'm just tired, that's all. Can you leave now? I need to rest. I have a gig tonight, remember?"-Rachel said as she proceeded to put her clothes on, the red silk dress he bought her a week ago.

"I don't have to leave for another half hour. I can stay"-He reached for her hand, but she quickly avoided his touch.

"Please, Finn."

Finn sighed, and as quickly as he could, he put on his clothes, a grey suit, which his wife bought for him, on his 30th birthday. He bitterly chuckled to himself as he thought about it,the life he owned. Within 20 minutes, he had to go back to it. The life he thought he wanted, with a beautiful wife, an exquisite home and a reputation along with a high position in the world of artists. Yet he wanted nothing more than her, his amour, his wild child, his heart, his Rachel. But he was too much of a coward to give up the life he hated for her, and too much of a selfish bastard to give up her. Quite a predicament he was in, his best friend would have said so.

"Je t'aime, ma belle"-Finn whispered as he walked to the door, without forgetting to kiss her forehead.

She didn't say it back to him.

ii)

He tapped his fingers along with the jazzy beat of whatever song the band on stage was playing and enjoyed his All-Irish Black and Tan. The drink was good, the music was inviting enough, and the noise of the club was just in the right amount so that he could forget the noise of the voice in his head, reminding him of how much of a coward he was. No, no, he had decided, tonight was the night of fun and he would deal with whatever life threw at him tomorrow.

"You look like you need some company there".

There she stood, the most mesmerizing woman he had ever seen in his life. She had the most gorgeous eyes he had ever looked into, and her body was to die for. There was something so alluring and tempting about her. She was trouble, he could tell. Yet he could not stop staring at her, at her stunning smile, her rather big nose, then back to her eyes. She extended her hand to him, and without hesitation, he took it.

"Rachel Berry, singer, Broadway wannabe".

"Finn Hudson".

She narrowed her eyes a bit, waiting for the rest of his response.

"What do you do, Mister Hudson?"

"-I enjoy good music and beautiful companion"-Finn took her hand to his lips, then planted a kiss on it while his eyes never left hers.

She smiled one of the most seductive smiles he had ever seen, then slowly backed away and said:

"-Good music is coming right up. Beautiful companion…"-Rachel eyed his body for a moment, not even bothered to hide it" We'll see".

He was certain she was trouble.

Finn waited for a while, and finally Rachel got on stage then began to sing. From that moment on, he could not tear his eyes away for a second.

_Birds may cease to spread their wings  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter  
Winters may envelop spring  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter_

_'Cause when I'm with you  
My whole world stands still  
You're my one and only thrill_ _Ships may never leave the dock  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter  
Ticks may never hear a tock  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter_

_'Cause when I'm with you  
My whole world stands still  
You're my one and only thrill_

_Shores may never reach the tide  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter  
Buds may never open wide  
But it don't matter, but it don't matter_

_'Cause when I'm with you  
My whole world stands still  
You're my one and only thrill_

_You're my, you're my  
You're my one and only thrill_

At the last words, Rachel spotted him in the crowd and looked right at him, as if she were singing to him, only him.

Yes, Rachel Berry was trouble.

_iii)_ The first time they made love, it was not gentle.

He didn't know if if she had done this before, sleeping with an almost stranger(3 dates),but really, when she began to leave hot, wet kisses on his neck, he couldn't care less. He turned her around, her back facing him, with his hands on her thighs, slowly drawing circles and driving her crazy. He took her earlobe in his mouth, then bit on it. She moaned, then pushed her hips back to grind on him. Then she spoke to him in her most seductive tone:

"Bebe…Faisons l'amour …Ahh…"

Finn chuckled as she moaned again. He was so proud of himself at that moment.

"Dupuis toute la nuit?"

He whispered in her ears, placed kisses all over her hair, slowly but surely. "Qui… Dupuis toute la nuit."

He placed her on the bed, turned her face down on the mattress and took her from behind. They let waves of passion and lust rise and fall through the whole time. In the heat of the moment, at one point, when he was sucking on her breast with his hands clasped so tight with hers over her head, he had thought he wanted to kill her then, just to make sure she could never be with anyone else. He kissed her ,she bit his lips until he felt the saltiness of his own blood.

The second time that night was more gentle. They did it with him on top, her writhing around under his weight. They came together. He lost count once he felt her lips on his member. However, he knew one thing for sure.

They did make love all through the night, just as she had wanted.

_iv) _He waited for her. They were supposed to meet an hour ago. He drank and drank, shots after shots. His mind began to create scenarios, some of them were so frightening that he had to stop his thoughts. Then he saw her. Right outside the coffee shop. With another man. His hands on her ass as they kissed. He was certain he had never felt like that before. He wanted to strangle her, shoot the bastard until his brain was scattered all over the place. Instead, he sat there, watching her as she entered the shop, planted a kiss on his forehead like nothing had happened.

"Bonjour, mon bel home."

"Who the fuck was that?"

"Seriously, Finn"- Rachel pulled a chair, sat down then crossed her legs, which made her pencil skirt hike up a little. Finn tried not to stare at her thighs.

Rachel, his baby girl, pulled out a Parliament cigarette then put it on her plump, red lips.

"Since when did you smoke?"

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"Maybe I am."

"Fuck you, baby. You don't have the right to. We're not innocent. You're married to that Ice Queen who refuses to give you blow-jobs, I'm as single as a dollar bill, well, technically since we sure ain't public. So, yes, that guy just then was a director. I gave him this scenario where he could fuck me and I proceed to star in a play. That's all."

"Your mouth is poison."

"It sure was wine last night."

He took her back to her apartment.

The door was closed. The shades were all pulled down.

It was cold, and she was cold. At least to him.

He ripped her clothes off, ignored her shouting and punches on his chest.

He fucked her, while tears were threatening to fall. He didn't want it this way. He wanted all of her, he wanted to do all those domestic couple-y things with her. Make love to her. Not like this. Not when she just let him, without even looking to his eyes.

"Fuck you, Rachel."-He writhed through his teeth.

"You're doing it quite well"-She panted.

They came, as they always did.

After a while, she stood up, wrapped a blanket around her waist then walked to her bedroom without looking at him.

"Lock the door when you're out."

"Quinn's not home tonight. I can stay."

"I don't want you to. Jesse and I have a date tonight."

He didn't say anything. He just put his clothes on and walked out the door.

He didn't let her see him cry.

She didn't let him see her cry either.

She went to her drawer, pulled out his shirt and buried her face into it, let his smell invaded her nose, surround her.

C'est tout.

**tbc**


	2. Memories

_i._

_"Maîtresse, embrasse-moi, baise-moi, serre -moi  
Maîtresse, embrasse-moi, baise-moi, serre-moi,  
Haleine contre haleine, echauffe-moi la vie,  
Mille et mille baisers donne-moi je te prie,  
Amour veut tout sans nombre, amour n'a point de loi."_

"What does it mean? I don't know that much French, Mr. Show-Off."

Rachel was lying with her chest on his back, her hands under her chin resting on his shoulder, her silky brown hair flowing, while trying to have a peek at the page he was reading. Her perfume always changed, one day he was smelling freesias and rain, the next he felt like he was lost in a garden full of almond trees. Nevertheless, there was always a hint of something so exotic, so alluring about her smell, as of her everything else.

He turned them around, with him on top, quickly held her arms over her head to give her sweet, slow, burning kisses, which caused to her to giggle.

"_Mistress, embrace me, kiss me, hold me tight,  
breath against breath, breathe me life,  
thousand and thousand kisses give me I beg you,  
Love wants everything without condition, love has no law"_

He whispered the words into her ears, with a tone as sweet as honey.

"Such a hopeless romantic, aren't you, Mister Hudson?"- She ran her hands through his hair, then traced the outline of his face with her fingertips. He brought them to his mouth, gently bit on them, never once broke eye contact with her. How could he? Her eyes were just so beautiful, but he always caught a spark of sadness in those gorgeous eyes.

"J'aime vos yeux."

"You love my eyes? Seriously, that was really corny."

"It's still true."

She smiled, but why didn't it reach her eyes?

"Why are your eyes sad, baby?"-He asked, while caressing the skin of her breasts.

"They are? But I'm happy."

He stopped, then looked into her eyes again, and he didn't quite understand why he didn't buy her answer.

She must have noticed the concerned gaze of his, because she brought her lips to his and made him forget what he was even asking with a kiss, so delicious and loving he thought his heart would burst.

He never got the real answer.

Everything seemed familiar from then. They made love, sweet, torturing, indescribably amazing love. Then they fucked. He was quite surprised that he even knew they were two different things. It never occurred to him that the process of the two differed from each other. Not until he met her. Now he could tell. With his wife, it was definitely fucking. He focused on solely one purpose every time, that was to get her off. Sometimes he didn't reach the climax himself. It didn't matter anyway. He was sure there must have been a time when they used to make love, but not anymore. With Rachel, he didn't even know how to describe it. He became hungered for her, he wanted to devour her at times, he breathed her in, licked her, studied her every sound and movement. It was just too much to bear. Like then, with her moving up and down on his body, her nails scratching his chest, her lustful moans and the sounds of their heartbeats, it was all just too much. And he was beginning to feel that utter bliss again…

_ii._

He was having that dream again.

It wasn't a dream. It was memory.

He hadn't seen her or heard from her in years. Yet he remembered everything, all to well. Sometimes he woke up in the middle of the night, frantically searched around for her, but when he realized the woman laying next to him wasn't her, he wanted to scream. He moved on with his life, still produced a few shows here and there, a bunch of blockbusters and occasionally held an event or two. Quinn loved events. The events were her chances of showing people how much they were in love, how he took care of her, how she was able to keep him faithful to her after all these years. The media seemed to really buy it. People were truly amazed by the fact that they were high-school sweethearts, who happened to be one of the most powerful couples in Hollywood ( they still had Brangelina to look out for). At least Brad and Angie were in love. He didn't hate Quinn, no, he could never hate his wife. She cheated on him once, yes, but beside that she was the perfect wife. She was a classic beauty, she was smart and funny, she took care of him and never complained about his lifestyle. She let him drink and smoke once in a while. He guessed it must be her own way to make it up for him. She seemed to be truly devastated after the "Puck incident", and she did love him at one point, he knew. He wanted to give up on Rachel, but she had become a drug that he could never quit. Even now, when clearly she had given up him.

"Hey, what are you thinking about about?"- Quinn walked in, put her arms around his shoulder and planted a kiss on his left cheek.

He turned around and looked into her eyes. Green, sparkling eyes. Eyes he used to love.

He saw her life, their life in front of him. This wasn't fair for her, or for him. For Rachel.

It was time.

"Quinn. I have to tell you something."

_iii_.

Quinn had taken the news quite well, much to his surprise. She had turned deadly pale for a moment, her breathing had become shallow. However, she had not yelled or threatened to kill him. She had asked him questions about Rachel, how they had met, how many times they had slept together.

"When was the last time you saw her?"

"2 years ago. You were in Houston."

"Have you seen her since?"

"No."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

"Has she called you, or texted you, emailed, Facebooked you?"

"Nothing."

"Have you tried to contact her?"

"For the first 6 months, yes. Not anymore."

Quinn paced the room for a moment, her eyes were closed and her nostrils were flaring a little bit. She was trying to process the news, he could tell.

"It is over between you two, then?"

He thought about her question for a moment. Was it really over? His head hurt, he refused to believe it. He never thought about it. He didn't hear from her or see her, but it wasn't over to him. He waited for her, how could it be over? It could only be over when both of them agreed to let go of the other, right? It could never be over.

"It is over to her."- He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, then sat down on their expensive imported couch.

Quinn suddenly kneeled in front of him, held his face in her hands, her eyes pleading.

"Then it is over! We can go back, Finn. We can fix this. Now that we are equal, we can have a fresh start!"

"Equal?"

"Finn. You and I both have slipped. We made our mistakes. We can move on now, without being so guilty about it. I promise, we will be happy again!"

Rachel was not a mistake. She could never be a mistake. She was the right choice. She was the Edie Sedgwick to his Andy Warhol. His one and only thrill. He looked into Quinn's hopeful eyes, and breathed out the words:

"Okay. We can try to be happy again."

**tbc**

_A/N_:

Your reviews brought tears of joy to my eyes, seriously. I know authors say it all the time but thank you, so so much! I mean it! THANK YOU! Feel free to say anything, it's okay, I really appreciate it! (´ ▽｀).。ｏ

Not what you had expected, right? I want to take a realistic look into the nature of infidelity; therefore, this story will have a completely different direction. Despite my big (GIANT) love for Finchel/Monchele, please be prepared for a not-quite-happy conclusion! Please review!

I deleted "Speranta". I am not fully ready for an epic multi-chapter fic. I'm still interested in the idea of Olympian Glee though, I'm working on it, don't worry! (^v^)

Darlings… I wish I were French. But I'm not, ehehehe. I like to have fun with languages that's all! The poem was by Pierre de Ronsard; "My One And Only Thrill" by Melody Gardot. If you are a sucker for Jazz as I am, check her out! SHE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST JAZZ ARTISTS nowadays!


	3. I Don't Think I Love You Anymore

i.

He slowly put light kisses on the expanse of her neck; his hands tentatively caressed her arms. Keeping his eyes closed, he took in a deep breath and ignored the ache in his heart. He undid her clothes, his hands shaking; he had not done this in a long time. She rest her hands upon his, assuring him that everything was fine. He looked at her longingly, and she smiled a smile that he had not seen in forever. It did ease him a little bit, and suddenly he felt confidence rushed over his body. He kissed her lips, hard, tasting the fine wine they just had.

"_Lèvres."_

_He brought his fingertips to touch her lips, then repeat the word again: " Lèvres."_

_Rachel giggled, then touched his lips with hers, then whispered: " Lèvres."_

She began to make these noises which he guessed to signal her satisfaction with whatever he was doing to her body. He knew her body well, they didn't spend all those time together without learning a thing or two about one another.

_He kissed her forehead, licked the sweats caused by their recent love-making. " Front"._

_She did the same thing to him." Front"._

She arched her back off the bed when he entered her. Sweats began to form on her forehead and in the valley between her breasts. She hooked her legs over his waist. She was reaching there, he knew.

_He kissed her again, this time harder before went on to bite on her earlobe then licked it. She moaned loudly and her hands began to scratch his back. " Lobe de l'oreille"._

_He began to lose track of whatever he was intending to do, because Rachel decided that all this teasing had to stop, she was rarely a patient lover. She flipped them and proceeded to put a spell on him by using her lips. He never complained._

"Finn!" "_Finn!"_

They came together.

_They came together._

Nothing but their deep breathing and the rustling of the sheets.

She turned to look at him and put a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Goodnight, Finn."

" Goodnight, Quinn."

He buried his face into the pillow and felt disgusted with himself. He felt as if he had been betraying Rachel. It was sort of ironic, he came while making love to his wife but he felt guilty. He didn't want to experience that beautiful wave of lust with no one else but Rachel. Only her. He missed her so much, he thought he was going to be insane soon. He closed his eyes and let his mind take him back to the nights he spent in bed with Rachel, surrounded by her freesia-scented perfume, she would put her arms around his body from behind. He would bring her hands to his lips then kiss them before sleeping.

Finn let his tears flow free that night, and many nights after.

ii.

He pulled out a cigarette.

He hadn't smoked in a while. Rachel used to smoke, although she would always tell him that smoking killed.

He couldn't go on with it. He had asked Quinn for a divorce the other day. That was the first right decision he had made in a really long time.

" _You want a divorce?" –Quinn asked, not believing in her own words._

" _I'm sorry, Q. I thought we could make it, but I was wrong."_

" _You found her, didn't you? You fucked her, huh? Is that it?" –Quinn started to yell at him. He was prepared for this. _

" _I haven't found her,yet."- Finn sighed, looked down at his feet, sadness dripping from his tone._

" _You're lying! YOU ARE LYING! YOU ARE DUMPING ME FOR SOME SKANK?"- Quinn punched him in the chest. He winced a bit from the pain. _

" _She is not some skank! Her name is Rachel. She wants to be a Broadway star."_

" _Oh how sweet! Broadway, huh? Is that why you insisted on going last week?"_

" _Quinn, please. You know it is the right thing for both of us. I know the past few months weren't good, Quinn. I tried, okay? I tried to get it right. But I can't! I tried, and I failed. I tried again, I failed!"_

" _What does she have that I can't offer to you? Blow-jobs? Right, you have always wanted to do all the kinky sex! You are a pervert!"_

" _Quinn."_

_He took a step toward her._

"_Don't you dare! Don't you dare touch me! I hate you! Answer me, Finn! WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T?"_

_He caught her when she fell to the ground, her face was wet with tears. The sight broke his heart. Still, he had to do it. _

" _Quinn. It's not what you think. Sometimes, people just fell out of love. I stopped loving you, that is all. You are still the Quinn I know from high-school. But my love for you, it just went away. I tried to get it back, but I can't Quinn. It just went away. I'm sorry, I truly am. It doesn't necessarily have to be your fault, your lacking of anything, Quinn. Don't think that way. I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth, Q. I can't pretend anymore."_

_He didn't realize his own tears were falling._

_Quinn looked at him, she had not seen him cry for years, ever since they were still seniors in high-school._

_She pushed herself up and dried her tears, then turned to him and asked:_

" _Now what, Finn? Are you going to be with her?"_

" _All I know is that you deserve someone who loves you, who can afford your happiness. I can't, Q, not anymore."_

It had gone well, he supposed. Quinn hadn't spoken to him since, and this was the day they would sign the final papers. Then maybe, just maybe, he would be able to find a way to be happy.

But then again, his happiness revolved around a woman named Rachel Barbra Berry.

And he hadn't been able to contact her for all these years.

Did she remember him? Could she remember him? Did she want to remember him?

" Don't forget me, Rachel, I beg of you. Please, baby, please don't forget me."

Finn whispered the words to himself, wondering if there was some sort of crazy connection between them so that she could hear him. He couldn't imagine her walking down the street and pass him by. He still had a rage whenever he thought about her being with someone else. Sometimes, when he was at his lowest with a bunch of empty Vodka bottles, he regretted not killing her back then. At least he could be her last love. He was damn sure she was his. How could he love anyone else now, when he finally understood what being in love truly felt like?

iii.

"Hey."

He could not breathe for a moment.

He had not breathed when Rachel called him out of the blue the other day. Her voice sounded the same. He did manage to hear her talking about " catching up with old acquaintance" and some other things. He had to check his call history about ten times after wards to make sure she had called him. He even called back to hear _her _voice, he wanted to scream from the tops of his lungs when he knew it really had been her calling him.

Now, he just felt angry.

She left him, for three years. THREE YEARS, without any kind of contact. Not even a text, a phone call, a letter, a postcard. She left him, she cut him so deep, and now that she was finally back, all she had to say was "Hey"? How about " I was such a horrible, arrogant, pain-in-the-ass bitch who left you without saying anything"? He should just stand up and walk away. She must have known how much it hurt him, she must have done it on purpose. A kind of payback. That was what it was! That must be it!

"Hi, Rachel" was all that he could spell out.

She shrugged of her jacket, revealing the clothes she was wearing underneath : a tight-fitting green dress that ended in the middle of her thighs. She never liked green.

" Life's been treating you well, I can see. Except for some grey hair, just some, you look good."

He knew he looked like a mess. How could he not? She was not around.

Rachel searched frantically in her bag for something, she muttered under her breath words he couldn't make out.

" What is it?"

" I need to smoke".

" You still smoke?"

She just shrugged, then pulled out a cigarette and asked if he had a lighter.

When he lit up her cigarette, his fingers were shaking wildly. It took him almost a minute to finish the task. That was the longest minute of his life. Being so close to her did things to him. He watched as she took in a really deep breath and let out circles of smoke. He was amazed, since when could she make circles of smoke?

" You seem to be awfully quite".

Finn bitterly chuckled, " What can I possibly ask, or say?"

" Heard you are divorced".

" Yeah."

" How long has it been?"

" 6 months, approximately."

" Wanna go back to my place?"

"You live here, in Los Angeles? You told me you just came here to visit."

" Wanna go back to my place?"

He could never say no to her.

They walked to her apartment. It was only 3 blocks away from their favourite coffee shop. It was the new building considered as the place for the upper class of Los Angeles. He had tried to buy one apartment here, but after the expensive divorce, he had to save up a while. If she lived here, that would mean she had a pretty decent life.

As soon as they were in her apartment, she tugged off all of their clothes. He felt dizzy all of a sudden. She was right there, kissing him, licking his cheek, biting on his neck, sucking on his pulse point. He was numb. He couldn't think, he couldn't move his hands.

"Rachel, please, stop."

She simply just ignored him.

" Wait, Rachel"

"Rachel…"

"Rach,just, hold on for a second."

"Stop."

He held her both of her wrists in his hands so tight, there would definitely be bruises after wards.

She looked at him, and he backed away.

Her eyes were so cold to him. Her eyes had never been cold.

She walked slowly to the couch in the middle of the living room, put on just her jacket and then pulled out two cigarettes. She offered one to him. He sat down next to her, still naked, and light both of their cigarettes.

They sat there, smoking together without saying a word. He studied her face and her body. She was even more alluring and beautiful than 3 years ago if that was even possible.

She seemed fine.

"Finn."

He scooted closer to her, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, then drew tiny circles on her shoulder with his thumb.

She turned to look at him with tears in her eyes:

"I don't think I love you anymore."

**Tbc**

_**A/N:**_

_-I cannot say thank you enough to all of your reviews, they fueled me and inspired me to write better for you guys! YES! YOU! I'M POINTING AT YOU! (^3^)_

_-The ending is different from other fics, I can assure you that. It is not a happy, rainbows and butterflies ending where Finn and Rachel live happily ever after and have babies and how they were glad they chose each other in the 1__st__ place, etc. I can't give you that, I can only give you an ending which will not be satisfying for some, but to me, it's what it should be for our beloved characters. Promise, no one will die or suffer from head trauma. But it's Finchel, people! FINCHEL! I love them as much as you guys do, so don't worry, just keep reading, you'll understand what I'm talking about._

_-THANK YOU AGAIN!_


	4. What I Left Behind

_i._

The rain was pouring gradually harder outside, thunders kept on roaring across the pit-dark sky, tore it up occasionally with flashes of light.

They were now fully dressed, but still sitting on the couch. Used cigarettes were scattering around them, the air was thick with smoke blended with Rachel's perfume.

Neither of them had spoken since Rachel's statement. She was crying, her eyes were smudged with mascara. He was crying, he looked almost 10 years older than he actually was.

She had told him the whole story, about those years when they hadn't seen each other. Occasionally, she would stop to light up yet another cigarette. It was becoming very unhealthy for her to smoke so much in such a short amount of time, but she wouldn't stop. She just wouldn't.

" I couldn't go on with it. I found myself becoming someone I've never imagined I would be. I became your mistress, Finn. You said you loved me, yet you didn't have enough courage and the decency to tell your wife about us. I stuck around for too long because I loved you, so much, Finn. God, I loved you so much sometimes I hated it. I sat around, waited for you to sneak out each night. I knew it wasn't fair to me, or to your wife, but I couldn't stop. Then, Jesse happened. I didn't love him, don't get me wrong, but he treated me the way I should be. We had sex, but he became so guilty about it. He said I deserved better. He took me out to dinners, and he wasn't afraid to show the world he liked me. That was when I began to look back at our relationship, Finn. Since when did my life revolve around a man? I asked myself that question and I decided that it was time for me. I was sick of waiting for your attention which only happened when Quinn was not around. I was sick of having to throw away an entire meal I cooked for you sometimes when you couldn't make it because Quinn suddenly changed her plans. I was so sick of waiting, Finn! I was so sick of being your second."

Rachel took another deep breath, then put out her cigarette. He felt so awful he wanted to throw up. He had never realized how much of a bastard he was to her, to Quinn. He loved Rachel, but it was such a selfish act. He could not believe he had had the audacity to hate her a while back, to blame her for her actions. God, he could kill himself for being such a hypocrite.

"I ended things with you and ran off to New York with Jesse. I told him about you and he forgave me. He said it was the right thing to do. He helped me gain back my courage and confidence for auditions. I loved living in New York, I was closer to my dreams than I ever had been and I was free from you, or that was what I thought. I missed you. For the first year, I couldn't even sleep with J without thinking of you. However, I stopped myself from making the same mistake. I did everything I could to forget you. I threw away everything you gave me, even the necklace and I gave Sheila to my best friend, Santana. She wasn't a cat person,"-Rachel chuckled, "but she agreed to taking care of Sheila for me."

"It was so hard I thought I could never go through with it, you know, being without you. But I managed to. See?"

"I left Jesse, though. I didn't want to be with someone I could not love. He understood it, and he asked if I was trying to get back with you. I didn't know for sure back then, but I left him anyway. I've been on my own ever since."

Rachel looked at him, ran her fingers through his hair but stopped almost immediately. It was until then he realized how much he had really missed her touch.

"I always wanted to know for sure if I had stopped loving you or not. That's why when I heard about your divorce, I came back to see you. A really good friend of mine- who also happens to be extremely wealthy- rented me this apartment at a sensible low price. I wanted to be close to you and sort out my feelings. I need a proper closure to it, Finn."

"Have you found it yet?"- Finn finally spoke up, his voice was barely audible.

"Yes." Rachel breathed out, then cupped his face with her hands, turning him so that she could look right into his eyes.

"I'm not in love with you anymore, Finn. To be honest, I feel relieved. I managed to find a way to fall out of love with you. I found it. I don't want to put myself through another round of heartache. It has to be about me this time around, Finn."

She was about to stand up but he quickly hold her back, holding her so close in his arms, needing to feel her. He let his tears fall onto her gorgeous brown hair.

" Baby. Please don't say that! Please, lie to me, just please. Please, baby. Baby, I love you forever. I love you forever, forever. You were right, I was such an asshole to you but please, I need to have you! I need to! Please, Rachel, don't do this!" –He sobbed out his words and felt her arms tighten around his body. He felt her trembling in his embrace.

"I'm sorry, Finn. When it came to you, I,… I can't, Finn. I can't risk it! I have finally become me again, I can't lose myself now. After everything… I want my freedom."

"I don't! I'm yours, Rachel. Whether you want me or not."

She stood up, successfully this time and walked away from him. He wasted no time in chasing after her, kneeled in front of her and held her close to him. He tugged on her dress , he didn't care how pathetic he might look. He could not lose her, not again.

"Baby, ma belle! Don't let go of me, baby, no, please, just, don't let me go! We can find a way to love each other again! I promise! It's us, Rachel. It's us! No one but us! I need you so bad, baby, you can't even imagine."

"You should have realized it sooner. I can't. Please, stand up! Don't do this now!"

"Rachel…"- He stood up and held her face in his hands, tried to kiss her. He pushed his tongue into her mouth, ignored all her protests.

"Finn…"

He licked her neck and tried to undress her. He held both of her hands in his, he needed to feel her.

"Let go of me! Are you trying to rape me?"

He ignored her again.

"Let me go."

She was sobbing now. He didn't realize he had held her too tight her wrists started to bruise and bleed.

He was hurting her.

He was hurting Rachel.

He felt disgusted with himself, more than ever. He quickly let go of her hands and wiped away his tears.

Rachel fixed her dress then turned to look at him, like she was trying to print his image in her mind for one last time.

"Finn. Please know that I did love you, so much."

She stood on her tip-toes to put a sweet kiss on his lips, then whispered: " So much."

"But not anymore."- He finished her sentence.

She just nodded sadly.

He walked out her apartment and made his way in the pouring rain. He tasted the drops of rain and his own tears on his lips. The lips he used to kiss Rachel.

It was really over.

_ii._

He didn't remember how he got home, how he undressed his clothes, how almost every lamp and vase in his house was broken. He didn't know until he got a text from an unknown number, then everything began to make sense:

"The plane is about to take off. I'm gonna miss you. I wish you all the best in life. You deserve them. Rachel."

He remembered now.

Finn pulled down all the shades, turned off his cell phone after calling Kurt-his brother/ assistant/ manager to cancel everything that day and keep people away from his house. Kurt included.

He hung off before Kurt could say anything.

Finn crawled to his bed then cried himself to sleep. He couldn't face the reality, not yet. He knew one day he had to, one day he would be fine and he would breathe normally again, he would find a way to be himself once more.

But not today.

Not yet.

_iii_.

"Finn…"

"Finn, it's me, Kurt. You gotta wake up. You've been sleeping for 2 days straight without eating anything! Come on, big boy, wake up!"

Finn pulled the blanket over his head, and muttered: "Go away, Kurt."

Kurt sighed, then he put hand on his older brother's shoulder and squeezed gently.

"You're gonna be fine, Finn. You'll see."

Finn really wanted to believe Kurt. He wanted to be fine, too.

But not today.

Not yet.

_iv._

"Finn, you have to get out of the house! You're scaring me, Finn! You've been living like a hermit for a month!"

"Please, Kurt! My head really hurts, okay?"

"Yeah, your head, your back, your leg! Everything hurts, right?"

Finn sighed as his brother angrily walked away from his house, not forgetting to dramatically slam the door for effect.

"Yeah"-Finn whispered to himself-"Everything hurts."

_v._

Finn breathed in the fresh air as he was taking a walk in Central Park. He truly appreciated Quinn's wedding invitation. It was sort of awkward to attend his ex-wife's and ex-best friend's wedding, but he had missed them, and they seemed to be very sincere. It took him a while to say yes, he was scared of going to New York. But it was necessary, his therapist had pointed out for him. He said it was the brave thing to do, and if Finn could do it, it would mean he was closer to being himself again. Finn didn't know choosing Doctor Anderson as his shrink had truly benefited him or not, but Kurt seemed to be really interested in the dashing young man. He was happy for his brother, of course. Finn wished he could soon be happy too.

And, really, what were the odds that the oh-so-famous miss Rachel Berry would bump into him in the middle of Bow Bridge?

"Oh my Barbra! Finn Hudson, is that really you?"

Well.

Clearly the odds were not in his favor that day.

**Tbc**

(⌒▽⌒)

A/N:

"And I'm saving all my love, for you…"

Hooohoooo! I love you guys so much! Thank you for the support!


	5. One Day

She was walking toward him. _Rachel Barbra Berry_ was walking toward him, with her small body moving so gracefully hidden under her nude colored trench coat. She was just as beautiful as he had remembered. Except for the fact that she was no longer an illusion-a cruel joke his mind played with him, but she was there, in the flesh, walking toward him.

She welcomed him with a tight hug, and he could swear he saw tears in her eyes.

"Oh, Finn! It's so good to see you again!"

It took his body a moment before it could normally function again. He returned her hug, not without planting a quick kiss on her hair. Old habits die hard.

She smiled at him. He took his opportunity of standing close to her to take a good look at her face. She looked happy and content. She looked a bit younger, too. She wore a lot less make-up than before. It was a really good thing, since he had always loved her natural beauty.

No.

He wasn't allowed to love her again.

Finn quickly pushed the thoughts away and began a small conversation with her:  
"You look really good, Rachel."

"Awww, thank you! You don't look so bad yourself! That new hair cut is rocking! Shorter, huh?"

"Yeah, much shorter."

"What are you doing here in New York? Wait, Quinn's wedding, right?"

His eyes widened with surprise.

"Wait, you've heard?"

"Finn, seriously. She's the actress and he's GQ's editor in chief! Besides, she told Ellen about her wedding last week, of course I've heard."

"Ellen, as in…"

"Ellen DeGeneres!"

"Oh."

Suddenly, they heard the clicking sounds which were immediately followed by flashes of cameras.

Paparazzi.

Finn knew this all too well, so before Rachel could react, he took her hand in his and quickly walked away. Rachel realized what was happening so she tried her hardest to follow his long strides.

"Where are we going? Finn…"

"Rachel! Miss Rachel Berry! Is that Finn Hudson you're with?"

"Hey Rachel! Smile for us, please, one smile!"

"Finn! Finn! Is she gonna star in your upcoming project?"

"How long have you known each other?"

Finn had to pick up his pace and practically dragging Rachel behind. Unfortunately for both of them, Rachel's gorgeous Nicholas Kirkwood platforms were definitely NOT made for running.

Finn managed to find a spot for them to hide, which was a big cherry blossom tree nearby.

"Quick! Come on, Rachel!"

He roughly pulled her with him, turned them around so that her back was leaning on the tree with him facing her, his hands above her head, just in time before the paparazzi passed them by.

Finn didn't realize their position, with his body trapping hers until he heard her giggles, which were very quickly turning into unstoppable laughs.

Finn chuckled, didn't even bother to back away:

"What?"

"That was so cool! We were actually running away from paparazzi! Okay, _now_ I feel famous!"

She began to laugh loudly when she was sure there was no paparazzo around and he began to laugh with her. He couldn't help it. Her laugh was just as infectious as always.

After a while, she looked at him with her alluring brown eyes and asked softly:

"Do you want to grab some coffee with me?"

"It's nearly noon."

"Lunch?"

He smiled and nodded his head.

It was just as the beginning.

She was exactly what she was to him back then.

Trouble.

They took a cab to this new fabulous restaurant in New York; they could not risk being caught by paparazzi again. Finn heard that the restaurant was so famous and popular, even Taylor Swift could not have a table when she showed up once without reservation. That rumor intimidated him a little bit.

"Erm, Rach"-_Did I just call her Rach_?-"Are you sure we'll get a table?"

"Finn. I'm _the_ Rachel Berry, you're _the_ Finn Hudson. You can buy the whole restaurant if you want."

"I'm not so sure about that. Since when did you become so cocky?"-Finn teased.

"I learn fast."

They both laugh uncontrollably; ignoring the glare the taxi-driver was giving them.

ii.

Finn knew Rachel was a good actress, but now he was convinced. She managed to persuade the manager that they were best friends with the restaurant's owner and find them a great table near the center of the whole place. All Finn had to do was "act handsome" and "act like you're so powerful you wouldn't look them in the eye" and tried to hide the fact that he was a little scared. He had never done this before, but as his Mom always said, "Everything has its first".

They were enjoying their meal and able to keep their conversation flowing smoothly without mentioning their history. They treated each other like friends who never spent nights and days making sweet love to one another followed by furious fucking, who never loved each other so much, who never had a horrible break-up. Finn realized then he was a pretty decent actor himself.

He found himself walking with her again a while later. Rachel had convinced him that it was fine to walk in her painfully high-heels, said she wanted some fresh New York's spring air. She looped her arm around his and held on tightly, animatedly telling him stories and gossips about her recent months in New York. Finn didn't really make out what she was saying, because she was talking so fast and so much, but there was one thing Finn was sure of.

She was genuinely happy.

Without him.

They were sitting on a bench, in a secluded part of Central Park in the month of April. Kurt always said April was the best month to be in New York, and right now, Finn thought maybe he was right. Finn was about to light a cigarette when Rachel asked:

"You're still smoking, Finn?"

"Yeah, well, I tried to quit, but…"

"It's really bad for you, you know."

Finn rose on of his eyebrows and asked her with a tone full of doubt:

"Wow, says the girl who used to smoke all the time."

"I've come to my senses; I realized it was very bad for my voice, so I stopped. You should stop too, you know. Cigarettes should be banned forever. I mean, all they ever contribute to life is to make a person look more, erm, wild and bad-ass. See, it is acknowledged universally that…"

"Is this one of the things that if I don't do what you say you will not stop talking about it until I do it?"

Rachel gave him her signature one-thousand-watt smile before nodded her head eagerly.

Finn chuckled before putting out his cigarette and smiled at her. They sat there in a comfortable silence and simply enjoyed each other's company as the sky above was turning into a light shade of grey.

"You know, Finn, this is my favorite spot."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm allowed to think here. Like, really think."

"What do you often think about?"

"My career, if it was worth it."

"Is it?"

"Sometimes, yeah."

"What else?"

"I think of the people around me, Santana, Jesse, my kind and talented director Williams Schuester, etc."

He wanted to ask her if she ever thought about him as he had always thought about her.

"I do."

_Did I just say it out loud?_

"Everyday."- Rachel continued in such a sweet voice, barely more than a whisper.

Finn's heart swelled at her words, he could not stop the feeling rushing through his body. He felt content, full, satisfied, relieved. He felt everything. He felt happy.

Just then Finn realized Doctor Anderson was wrong. He could only be himself when he had her. He was _just Finn_ before he met Rachel. Along came Rachel, everything changed, he became more than _just Finn_, she made him become everything he ever hoped he would be. She had become a part of him, how could he ever think that he could erase her from his life and be _him_ without her?

_iii._

It was raining.

This time around, the rain was different. There wasn't any thunder, or lightning strike, or water pouring down like flood, just tiny raindrops slowly falling down, covering the green leaves and colorful flowers with pearl-like bubbles.

Finn was giving Rachel a piggy-back ride because being a dramatic queen as she was, Rachel had insisted on going home by walking but her feet gave out halfway. Not that Finn minded it, he was just wondering what it meant for both of them. How often do people do this to their ex-_everything_ after a horrible break up? What were they? Friends? Or, as Goyte had put it, "Somebody that I used to know"? Thousands of questions were driving him crazy and he knew all those months spent with Doctor Anderson had gone to waste. He was just as confused, if not even more so now than before.

"Why are you so quite, Mister Hudson?"

"I was just thinking."

"What about?"

He didn't tell her.

They reached her doorstep a moment later. As Finn was putting Rachel down, he couldn't help but linger his hand on her body longer than he should have.

He took a moment to really look at her. She seemed so innocent with raindrops on her hair, her face and her eyelashes. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his eyes never left hers.

He saw their time together, all the nights spent laying in each other's arms and all the days doing nothing but making love. He saw her dancing barefoot in her kitchen to "Love Is Strange", he saw her lazy smile in the morning after their first time, he saw the way her eyes lit up when he mentioned Barbra Streisand, and he saw her skin glowing in the sun…

He saw her.

He saw the way they were.

And it was beautiful.

"What really happened between us, Rach?"

"Finn"- Rachel narrowed her eyebrows in confusion-"You know what happened."

"I know, I mean, you told me, but…"

"What are you talking about?"

"What really happened, Rachel? Why didn't it work out?"

There was a moment of silence apart from the sound of water drops patting on the concrete pavement as the rain was getting harder.

"What always happened: life."

They stood there, staring into each other's eyes for what seemed like eternity without saying a word. The rain was pouring and the wind was gradually becoming stronger. Rachel put her arms around her body to keep herself warm before Finn took off his own jacket and put it on her. She breathed in and became a little dizzy as the smell invaded her nose. It was so familiar, so warm, so _Finn_. Suddenly, tears were falling down on her face and she sobbed out:

"I'm really sorry, Finn! I had hoped to fix it so badly but I couldn't! I wanted to turn back time but I couldn't! I can't go back to the start, to the way we were. I just can't!"

Finn didn't realize he was crying too, his tears were mixing the raindrops on his face; he cupped her face in his hands and rested his forehead on hers.

"I know you can't, baby, and it's not your fault. It's just… You're right. It's just life."

"Finn…I'm sorry, I…"

"I'm not. I loved, no, I love you and at one point you loved me too. I could never be sorry for loving you. I was always at my best when I was with you, Rachel, you need to know that."

Rachel put her hand on his which was still cupping her face and said through her tears:

"I was at my best too, I didn't tell you that. I wasn't successful but I was happy when I was with you."

"Rach…"

"Finn. Please know that there will never be another person that I love more than I loved you, no one will make me feel the way you did. I swear it."

"Rachel…"

"But I don't know how, Finn, I wish I did, but I don't. I wish I was stronger, better…"

"No, no, no, Rachel…"- Finn tilted her chin so that she was looking into his eyes –"You are the strongest person I know, okay? You don't have to change."

Finn sighed and took a step back away from her, what had he done to her? He made her doubt herself, he made her forget who she was, he made her become sheltered and scared of falling in love. How could he ask her to come back to him? If Finn were Rachel, he would have just walked away and never looked back.

If there was one person in this life that deserved happiness, it would be her.

And he told her that.

Rachel smiled weakly and combed her fingers through his hair; her eyes were full of sorrow and regret. And something more, but Finn could not lay a finger on it.

"You deserve to be happy, too, Finn. You just never realized that."

Then, unexpectedly, Rachel craned her neck and kissed Finn.

Her lips were just as sweet, just as inviting and it took Finn a while to return the kiss. He let his lips linger on hers for what seemed to be eternity. He tasted the rain, he tasted spring, and he tasted the essence of New York. He tasted her.

They broke the kiss a moment later, but kept their foreheads resting on each other's.

This was it.

That was the last kiss, sealing whatever they had together.

He planted another kiss on her forehead, and without saying anything, walked away.

He would never forget her, he knew it. He would never forget loving her, he would never stop. He would never love anyone else the way he had loved her. He would never love someone as much or hate someone as much, or be passionate about someone as much. She would always have his heart, he could fall in love again, but it would be a different kind of love, not the love they had. She had held him captive by setting him free.

As Finn was walking away from Rachel, he could not help but think how it would play out if they were in a romantic comedy. He imagined the cheesy music with soft acoustic guitar playing, and that the rain would stop, and when he turned around he would see her running toward him, and he would lift her up from the ground and twirl her around and kiss her, and she would tell him they could try again, and that she loved him so much.

But life could never be a romantic comedy.

Could it?

Finn took a deep breath and looked back.

He let out a bitter chuckle.

There was no one there, Rachel must have gone inside.

"You're crazy, Finn Hudson"- Finn whispered to himself, shoved his hands into his pockets and walked away.

But not for long.

"Finn!"

_Okay, I am crazy_- Finn thought to himself because there was no way Rachel could be standing right there, panting as if she had just run down the stairs.

But there she was, walking toward him, with an unreadable expression on her face, then with a smile.

The rain had stopped; the sky was turning into a beautiful shade of blue with white clouds floating like cotton candies. Beams of sunlight were painting the busy streets of New York with a glorious colour of gold.

This could be that "one day".

**fin**

_**A/N:**_

_Thank you so much for anyone who had been so kind to show me your support with my first fanfic and spent your time reading it! (TT^TT)_

_There were 2 lines I actually had brought out from a movie: 500 days of Summer. Can anyone tell me what they were? _(^V^)

_I wanted people to feel like they were watching a movie when they read my fic, hence the pace as well as the setting of this story._

_It took me a long time to finally decide how the story would end, Finn and Rachel deserve every happiness in the world, so that's why I decided to go against my original intention(_"_)._

_Anyway, please please tell me what you guys think, please, just a few words would do! Should I write a sequel? Do you have any suggestions for my next fic?_

_With love!_


End file.
